I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
