Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize