its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
