we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
