i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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