I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
