Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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