I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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