I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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