i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
