it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
