If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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