be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
