Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
