My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
