How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize