Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
