i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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