Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
