We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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