READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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