I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
