Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
