Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
