can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize