My room smells like vodka and shame
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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