boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Randomize
