i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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