"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
