I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
