Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
