I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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