I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
This is my gift to your gina
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
