someone threw a dead crab at me
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
