I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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