Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
