I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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