Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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