just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
