And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He passed out mid-signature
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
