If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
