so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
