I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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