I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
