Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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