Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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