I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
