I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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