apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
