tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize