I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
