i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
