Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
