does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
