Small penises have feelings too.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
