I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
They are going to name an STD after you.
They have beer where we have blood.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
