and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
