my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
