I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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