Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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