He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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