I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
